Dear neurokin,
One of the things I learned to do from an early age was hide. I don’t mean play hide and seek, because when I hide I do not want anyone to see or find me.
I learned to make myself so quiet and small that I was almost invisible.
In my twenties and thirties I pushed myself way beyond my comfort zone to be seen in order to progress my career. And to numb the overwhelm by partying hard. I was plagued with reoccurring burn out and crushing self loathing.
Discovering my neurodivergence illuminated why I found all of that so hard to bear.
Sometimes my hiding serves me well, it allows me recovery time.
Mostly, these days, I battle with it. Because sometimes I really want to do the thing, go to the talk, speak up and ask a question, give the talk myself or simply join in with the fun.
I feel paralysed, stuck in freeze mode, dithering and listening to a self saboteur who tell’s me:
‘lets just stay here, you are pretty tired, best not push yourself too hard’
Living well in plain sight
One of the things I’m navigating right now is learning to get comfortable again with being seen in the world.
Only this time I am learning how to show up as myself.
I know it’s causing me anxiety because my dreams are telling me so. I’m know, talking about your dreams can be considered boring. But, they give us so many clues as to what is troubling us and here’s what my dream told me.
I was a choir master, I had a huge choir awaiting my instructions and I couldn’t find the right music for the choir to sing. I was leafing through a huge pile of paper and I could not find what I was looking for and all eyes were on me. It was so stressful! They were a patient choir but I felt mortified, humiliated that I couldn’t find the music sheets and that I was so evidently overwhelmed.
I have ambitions to get myself back ‘out there’ with some of the work I want to do. And I am scared of pushing myself out into the open. The dream seemed to be telling me something pretty significant about leadership.
I’m a believer in ‘be the change you want to see.’ There is so much change I want to see, to be drive the change, but I don’t want anyone to see me!
Summer Solstice
Spirituality, meditating and guided visualisations are a vital source of creativity for me. So many of my ideas or realisations come when I explore my inner world.
I was invited to join a summer solstice gathering under a beautiful willow tree in the Sussex countryside on the morning of 21st June. It was to be led by a wonderful creative woman, who I always feel at ease with Alexa de castilho at REALMS.
Oh how I dithered about whether I should go.
It was the first weekend my children were staying with their Dad since we separated earlier this year. I didn’t know how I would feel when they were gone for the first time.
Like anyone who has gone through a major life change I’m feeling pretty emotionally and energetically wrung out.
I made a million excuses in my head about why I couldn’t go. I could also feel an instinctive nudge that was saying to me ‘Go. This is what you need’
I was generously welcomed into the amazing home of the host and embraced by some women I knew and some I’d never met before. I was soon to learn that each and every one there are creatively brilliant women; writers, musicians, artists, healers, designers and makers.
Sometimes this can either make me go a bit too perform’y or muted and frozen in awe of them.
I did neither of those things, because I’m learning to gently show up as myself.
As my self esteem is growing, especially in the last year, I find it is becoming easier to reassure myself that I don’t need to perform.
When we were invited to come and make our floral crowns and to learn about the significance of all the flowers and herbs, that had been gathered for us, we all got immersed in the making of our individual creations.
My crown making is on a par with my reef making skills i.e not naturally splendid. I loved it anyhow and noticed that my fret levels were lower. The ritual of making it amongst these women was the real treat.
Then, under the magnificent willow tree we all sat in a circle on huge patterned blankets, with different textured colourful cushions scattered all around us. Birdsong surrounded us in this tranquil summer countryside.
We relaxed and let ourselves be spiritually guided to imagine what was opening up for us in images and symbols.
Then we quietly poured our thoughts onto paper; words, symbols, shapes, colours. Which we started to talk about with those sitting nearest to us.
I sensed we were all at some kind of turning points in our lives. We were the right people to be here, receiving the love and creativity that was being shared and experienced.
Should I stay or should I go?
We were invited to stay for lunch.
I could feel an inner tussle, I was having such a lovely time and I knew I could converse on a deeper level if I stayed. Along with the urge to make an early exit.
For me, a lot of this life beyond neurodivergent discovery is about tuning in on my energy and anxieties and trusting my instincts.
I stayed for the most delicious lunch. I enjoyed a lot of belly laughs and made some deeper connections.
I drove home so happy that I had showed up, dared to step out of my comfort zone and had the most deliciously nurturing experience.
I am learning that I can come and join in on my own terms.
I think I might be ready for more gentle nudges to step into the light and settle into what has been quietly transforming in me throughout this decade.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
How do you feel about being seen?
How does hiding help you?
How does it hinder?
Where do you want to show up in the world?
What quality in yourself do you want to shine?
Thanks for reading,
Andrea xx
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