Dear neurokin,
Maybe one of the biggest tell tale signs of autism is difficulty in making eye contact. It doesn’t mean we can’t make eye contact and those high maskers amongst us will know, we force ourselves to perform all kinds of socially accepted social cues, body language and gestures to show we are following the rules.
That comes at a cost, to us.
There is many a thing that I miss, in a strange way. Things that I wasn’t as conscious of before I knew that I was autistic.
It’s eye contact that I want to write about this week.
It’s one of the social expectations that we know is demanded of us and is very difficult to duck out of.
I’ve come to realise that prolonged eye contact does actually hurt my eyes and it makes me feel overwhelmed.
What can I do about it, I wonder?
Neurokin, I come with questions. Can you relate or help?
Don’t call me four eyes …
I’ve had problems with my eyes since I was aged five.
As a child I had squint eyes, my right eye turned inwards and the muscles in my left eye were stretched from over correcting. To remedy this, to go with my 1970’s NHS pale blue spectacles, I had a to wear a patch. (a sticky plaster stuck over my terrible glasses.)
The idea behind it was that this patch would simply trick your eye into turning back into the position it was intended to be in. They still use this today. Why? How can this possibly be successful?
I was already finding life pretty tricky by this point, school did not go well for me. So you can well imagine how having to wear glasses with a patch stuck on one lense made me an easy target.
Eventually it was decided that the patch wouldn’t work (no shit, Sherlock) and I must go for eye surgery. I shall spare you the details, but it’s a pretty major operation.
The eye operation does not improve your eye sight, the straightening of your eye is purely cosmetic.
My surgery was deemed a success and for a short while I got away with not having to wear glasses. I probably should’ve started wearing them earlier than I did, self consciousness prevented me from doing so.
For most of my adult life I have worn contact lenses until dry eyes scuppered that.
These days I am a fully fledged varifocal glasses wearer and I dislike it. I hate the weight of glasses on my face. I feel like it’s an added sensory challenge.
The constant need to clean them is a pain, where do all the smudges come from? I’ve concluded I must have greasy eyes! I’m not crazy about how they make me look either.
But, I’ve recently come to realise that it’s not my eye sight that makes eye contact painful.
It hurts
I love people. I love the women in my life. I love meeting up with them and chatting about life and all kinds of nonsense.
After spending a long period of time in conversation with people my eyes feel really, really strained, heavy and sore. It feels like I’ve been under bright lights or staring at a screen for too long.
I just want to close my eyes. Of course, that is rarely possible, whilst in company.
‘I find eye contact with Andrea is really intense’
A long, long time ago, in the days before I had any inkling that I might be a bit different from most people, I once received feedback from a guy who was on some Leadership training I was delivering.
The topic we were covering was communication and we got onto eye contact. In front of the whole group he said ‘I find eye contact really intense with you, Andrea'.
Oh, how we laughed!
The thing is, he was onto something that I was decades away from realising.
Eye contact is very intense for me and those on the receiving end of my eye contact.
Ideally, I would rather not make eye contact. Looking up or outside, ideally at swaying trees or gazing into the distance, whilst I chat to the person or people I am with, is my absolute preference.
When I can do this, it helps me talk more fluently. My thoughts are clearer and more focused. I can concentrate on the words rather than be distracted by another source of data or in wondering ‘what are they thinking?’
The eyes have it
To me, eye contact is deeply personal. I think that eyes really are a window into the soul.
Eyes convey so much information, all the endless questions, thoughts and feelings that they show and mirror.
You can read so much in the eyes of others, sometimes it is just too much.
I once had coffee with a coaching colleague and his eyes told me that he was not thinking about coaching when I was talking to him. A hard stare was swiftly issued!
I did not want him to see into my soul or to know anything deep about me.
There’s plethora of ways I have of managing my facial expressions and body language, but I can’t erase what I feel through my eyes.
My eyes are a giveaway.
Is this the same for everyone?
‘…oh, I’ve been looking up for too long I think they’re looking at me expectantly best make an effort to make eye contact… god my eyes hurt I feel hot am I squirming?……’ These thoughts loop like a ticker tape at the front of my brain when I need to make constant eye contact
I can’t look at you
I do try to gaze up or look into the distance when I’m in a face to face conversation.
Unsurprisingly as an autist, most of my friend interactions are one to one. After a while I start to feel self conscious that I’m not making direct eye contact, I wonder if it feels strange for the person I’m with that I cant maintain 100% eye contact.
How can you say ‘I can’t look at you’ without it causing offence?
You can’t.
Could I maybe try ‘my eyes are a bit strained, excuse me if I gaze in the distance when we chat’ Maybe, but still not quite right.
Is being really honest about my challenges with maintaining prolonged eye contact with people the final act of unmasking?
Or will it just be weird to make a thing of it?
Is this something I just have to quietly accept and learn to be more compassionate about?
Lets go for a little walk
As I write this, I am realising that maybe the reason I love going for a walk with friends is that you don’t have to maintain eye contact the whole time. I love those kind of deep chats you have whilst you’re strolling.
I know there are other benefits of walking and talking:
great for ADHD’ers who find sitting still for long periods tricky
cognitive flexibility - movement stimulates brain regions responsible for flexible thought patterns
it can break down inhibitions that come from direct eye contact
its a sensory soother to be outside without all the stimulus overwhelm of a pub or cafe.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Do you find maintaining eye contact tricky?
Have you shared this with people?
Any tips for how you manage eye contact?
Thanks for reading.
Andrea xx
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Sunglasses or hats/caps! Really helpful. I find the eye contact thing especially weird/interesting when someone is presenting in front of an audience and I’m in the audience. I try to look at the person, out of politeness/to show I’m paying attention, but then it always feels like the presenter person fixes their eye contact mostly on me! So then I worry I’m making too much eye contact and have to look away or down for periods of time so as not to freak them out. And then I end up paying up LESS attention to whatever is going on. Does this happen to anyone else?!
Fully relate to this (apart from the eye surgery). It’s a struggle for sure. I don’t want anyone looking in my eyes either most of the time