Sunglasses or hats/caps! Really helpful. I find the eye contact thing especially weird/interesting when someone is presenting in front of an audience and I’m in the audience. I try to look at the person, out of politeness/to show I’m paying attention, but then it always feels like the presenter person fixes their eye contact mostly on me! So then I worry I’m making too much eye contact and have to look away or down for periods of time so as not to freak them out. And then I end up paying up LESS attention to whatever is going on. Does this happen to anyone else?!
Yes! I get this too…it’s not just one on one, it can be at talks or in an audience where the speaker can see the audience. Thanks for the tip on caps/hats/sunglasses… I do wear sunglasses a lot as I struggle with brightness..I’ve actually got transition lenses but I do feel self conscious and apologise for it, because my eyes are often shaded when I come inside and I feel like a Wally because I think it makes me stand out as different…. Time to let that go!!
Hi Andrea. I've just been writing about this in a new novel. I've been considering that I don't want to look into other people's (strangers) souls (which I can see in their eyes) - too much pain and grief there when I have so much of my own to manage. And also for me, just what an intimate experience direct eye contact is. As I move about in the world I don't think I give a lot of eye contact anymore, I'm comfortable with looking down, even in a cafe having a conversation with someone, or looking to the side of their eyes etc.. I just don't think I could have a long interaction with direct eye contact - the thought is terrifying - lol!
I have always struggled with eye contact. I find it incredibly uncomfortable and intense - to the point where it can almost feel painful throughout my entire being.
As a child, I remember being told that I should make eye contact (although I can't remember who by), so I complied with that "rule" and made a real effort to maintain eye contact with anyone who was speaking to me, or anyone I was speaking to.
Then, as a young adult working in a corporate environment, I received feedback that my eye contact was "too intense" - very similar to the feedback you received, Andrea.
So I learned that occasionally glancing away was apparently the done thing. In some ways, though, that made it even harder because I then had to consciously force my gaze back again and again.
These days, post-diagnosis, understanding myself better and feeling more comfortable with who I am, what I can tolerate and what I can't, I spend far more time looking away from people and gazing upwards while I think. It helps me access the words I want to use. I suspect I now spend more time looking away than looking at the person I'm speaking to.
I still struggle with eye contact when someone else is speaking, though. My ADHD gives me a convenient excuse to look away and catch any peripheral movement - it feels like a justifiable reason that is less likely to be interpreted as rudeness or disinterest.
Like you, I think this is why I choose to walk with friends (both one-to-one, and group walks I arrange). Less pressure in terms of eye contact and also, arranging your body (where do arms go, is crossed ok? Legs crossed, or do we need to be open - is that just a yoga thing... etc). I was told, as a child - maybe about 11 - that my eye contact was very intense "the most intense eye contact I've ever had" by a boy I was friends with. I guess it wasn't coming naturally, so I forced it and that didn't really work, either. Having spent so many years performing, I actually don't even know if I like eye contact or not. Ax
Sunglasses or hats/caps! Really helpful. I find the eye contact thing especially weird/interesting when someone is presenting in front of an audience and I’m in the audience. I try to look at the person, out of politeness/to show I’m paying attention, but then it always feels like the presenter person fixes their eye contact mostly on me! So then I worry I’m making too much eye contact and have to look away or down for periods of time so as not to freak them out. And then I end up paying up LESS attention to whatever is going on. Does this happen to anyone else?!
Yes! I get this too…it’s not just one on one, it can be at talks or in an audience where the speaker can see the audience. Thanks for the tip on caps/hats/sunglasses… I do wear sunglasses a lot as I struggle with brightness..I’ve actually got transition lenses but I do feel self conscious and apologise for it, because my eyes are often shaded when I come inside and I feel like a Wally because I think it makes me stand out as different…. Time to let that go!!
OMG Siski - YES! Same here!! We are too polite! :D
Fully relate to this (apart from the eye surgery). It’s a struggle for sure. I don’t want anyone looking in my eyes either most of the time
Hi Andrea. I've just been writing about this in a new novel. I've been considering that I don't want to look into other people's (strangers) souls (which I can see in their eyes) - too much pain and grief there when I have so much of my own to manage. And also for me, just what an intimate experience direct eye contact is. As I move about in the world I don't think I give a lot of eye contact anymore, I'm comfortable with looking down, even in a cafe having a conversation with someone, or looking to the side of their eyes etc.. I just don't think I could have a long interaction with direct eye contact - the thought is terrifying - lol!
Ooooh, great topic!
I have always struggled with eye contact. I find it incredibly uncomfortable and intense - to the point where it can almost feel painful throughout my entire being.
As a child, I remember being told that I should make eye contact (although I can't remember who by), so I complied with that "rule" and made a real effort to maintain eye contact with anyone who was speaking to me, or anyone I was speaking to.
Then, as a young adult working in a corporate environment, I received feedback that my eye contact was "too intense" - very similar to the feedback you received, Andrea.
So I learned that occasionally glancing away was apparently the done thing. In some ways, though, that made it even harder because I then had to consciously force my gaze back again and again.
These days, post-diagnosis, understanding myself better and feeling more comfortable with who I am, what I can tolerate and what I can't, I spend far more time looking away from people and gazing upwards while I think. It helps me access the words I want to use. I suspect I now spend more time looking away than looking at the person I'm speaking to.
I still struggle with eye contact when someone else is speaking, though. My ADHD gives me a convenient excuse to look away and catch any peripheral movement - it feels like a justifiable reason that is less likely to be interpreted as rudeness or disinterest.
It's really bloody hard.
Like you, I think this is why I choose to walk with friends (both one-to-one, and group walks I arrange). Less pressure in terms of eye contact and also, arranging your body (where do arms go, is crossed ok? Legs crossed, or do we need to be open - is that just a yoga thing... etc). I was told, as a child - maybe about 11 - that my eye contact was very intense "the most intense eye contact I've ever had" by a boy I was friends with. I guess it wasn't coming naturally, so I forced it and that didn't really work, either. Having spent so many years performing, I actually don't even know if I like eye contact or not. Ax