Dear neurokin,
Always, without fail, when I help coaching clients to make visible the characteristics, energy and driving force of their ‘people pleasing’ self sabotage, soft and saccharine is the essence that is identified. It’s the common thread of how we perceive ‘people pleasers.’
Maybe we all see people pleasing as a weakness? Consider those who display strong people pleasing traits as weak?
to be malleable, soft, tender
a push over
someone who is easy to control.
But what if we’ve got this all wrong?
What if the people pleaser is the controller of the situation and the people in it? What if your people pleaser is controlling you?
In this article we’ll explore who’s controlling who here? We’ll look at what can drive us to people please in the first place, when people pleasing tips into a trauma response and how undiscovered neurodivergence in our families shapes us.
And in the context of neurodivergence:
Recent research indicates neurodivergent adults are disproportionately likely to engage in people pleasing, masking, or camouflaging behaviours to fit social expectations or avoid rejection—especially those with ADHD and autism
How can people pleasing go beyond an anxiety response?
What takes people pleasing from:
a fear of rejection or a need for validation
a need to prioritise the needs, wants, or approval of others
it being a priority over your own well-being
To it being a trauma response?
And how can ancestral trauma and undiscovered neurodivergence in our birth families create trauma in us?
Trauma or selflessness?
The societal gender bias and capitalism is inbuilt with the assumptions that females will put others needs ahead of their own. That women will prioritise ‘caregiving’, anticipate the needs of others and comply with the inferred rule that the ‘emotional labour’ is on you girls!
Dare to speak up about your own needs? You’ll feel the wrath of shaming with painful labels, cruelly dished out for non compliance.
What’s the cost to us, in doing it all and putting others ahead of ourselves at all times? Our self esteem, health and wellbeing.
People pleasing tips into trauma when it shifts from gender bias for social conformity or genuine kindness into a deeply ingrained coping mechanism—specifically known as the 'fawn' response’—used to ensure safety and avoid conflict as a survival strategy.
The shadow side of people pleasing
“I’ll do it!”
I was recently reminded of the shadow side of my own resentful people pleasing ways. Over the years I’ve taken on the role as the only person who packs for family travel.
I tell myself it’s easier for me to do it all.
I have a system.
With my obsession for the weather forecast app, I make sure that everyone has the right clothes for all weather, sunscreen etc etc.
I wasn’t even going on this holiday, but I still couldn’t let go of packing for others.
Of course, other people in my home are capable of packing. They will not do it how I do, they might do it better and they might forget items.
In a moment of reflection I realised that I leave no room for others to learn from any errors or for mistakes to be accepted.
I am also putting ridiculous pressure on myself to remember everything for everyone else. Which I complain about regularly:
“I can’t be the only one who remembers everything in this house! It’s not my job to find every lost item!!”
I continue to put myself in a position where I control the outcome and spend needless energy ‘pleasing' others.
“Hello, perfectionist and controller, c’mon in to this self sabotage party!”
Who are you really doing this for?
Take a moment to ask yourself:
Are you giving your time and energy to help others who really need help? or are you taking responsibility for everything because you can’t let go of it being done another way?
What activities could other people in your life take on?
What’s the key driver for you doing things to please others? Is there an element of control or perfectionism at play?
What is the worst thing that will happen if someone else takes on responsibility and mistakes are made?
The dark side of people pleasing - trauma
I recently wrote about how trauma therapy has helped me to unravel another layer to understand myself more deeply. You can read about it here
It was in this personal learning that I started to understand a more complex part of people pleasing; trauma.
Trauma; your experience of emotional distress that exceeds your capacity to emotionally process it can lead us to internalise events that might have compromised our own safety. We carry these memories of trauma in our bodies.
