Dear neurokin,
Since 2020, in direct correlation with discovering I’m autistic, my life as I knew it has been unravelling.
For the most part, this unravelling has been driven by me. With access to a whole lot of new and vital information about neurodivergence and myself, I’ve been on a quest to live in ways that are more like the ‘real’ me.
During midlife don’t we all go through that?
Life is constantly changing and never more so than in times we’re living in now. We constantly need to adapt to rapid changes outside of our own choosing or control.
This decade, the twenty twenties, is not letting up on being relentlessly volatile. I’m calling it; we’re living through the tumultuous twenties.
I believe that this decade, a time of great upheaval, is the ending of many systems and growth in human consciousness that will bring about positive change. It’s hard to hold on to that when you’re utterly fatigued from the whirlwind of change.
You can grow your own way
Expressed here brilliantly by Alice Bramhill
When you make your neurodivergent discovery and accept new information about the differences that exist for you in how your mind and body operates, the effects are profound.
everything you knew about yourself, prior to having access to this vital information, was based on a lie.
you’ve spent your life trying to fit a mould not designed for you, to be something you are not.
this effected your internal dialogue, maybe you’ve been asking ‘what’s wrong with me?’ on repeat, as you berate yourself for ‘not being able to do it as everyone else does’
It erodes your self esteem
It may have led to co occuring health conditions
Neurokin, I am worn down by the endless changing and endings I’ve been navigating since I discovered I’m autistic.
I write to you today to ask, are you experiencing this too?
Share the scar not the wound
The ending I’m currently navigating is, for me, the biggest of them all.
In a great deal of this Substack and in my first book the autistic woman’s guide to belonging I write about my experiences of late life neurodivergent discovery.
I write from the inside out.
I’ve had to learn along the way to keep a little bit back. To protect myself I must abide by this rule; share the scar and not the wound.
I’m not ready to write about this change yet, the wound is still open.
What I am here to write about today is the horrible sense of feeling adrift, empty, directionless and devoid of fresh ideas or creativity.
In transit
I’m shocked to realise that I wrote about this exact same topic on 16th May 2025 - In Transit - the article covers why change might be even harder for neurodivergent people.
Transition is the ripples or shockwaves of what happens to you in change - the inner re-orientation of you.
the difficult process of letting go of what was
the confusing and frustrating nowhere feeling of in-betweens
navigating the something new
natural process of disorientation and reorientation of turning points in the path of growth
At the end of that article I suggested if the feeling of being lost in transit was affecting any neurokin readers, maybe we could work through it together, with some reflective prompts and shared comments.
I didn’t continue with that though because a sudden, tragic, family death occurred that same week.
It stopped me in my tracks.
I tried to carry on writing for a while, to live life as I had been before this incredibly sad death happened.
I had to hit the brakes in June 25’ and put a pause on this Substack for a couple of months.
I don’t want to hit the brakes again
Whilst I feel like I have somewhat run out of steam, I am not burned out or exhausted.
Creativity and ideas normally come to me in gentle whispers or nudges. Then I go and enthusiastically follow them to see where they might lead.
Right now, I am devoid of the enthusiasm or fresh ideas, a bit ‘meh’ about it all.
I’m at the part of transit described as ‘the confusing and frustrating nowhere feeling of in-betweens’.
It is hellishly uncomfortable and I am trying my best to resist compare and despair.
Being brave/stupidly honest with you, in this past week these shitty questions have wormed their way into my brain:
Look at everyone else, thriving in their creativity and production of newness - will I ever be like them again?
Am I disappearing?
Will I just get lost into a black hole of nothingness?! (do I matter??….)
I don’t even know if I want to be a writer anymore
What do I want to do????
This change, that I’ve been navigating since last summer, will settle in the months to come. I hope I too feel a sense of rooting into some new ground.
I hope the endless endings and the unravelling finds its place to finally settle.
Over the last two or three years I have learned to trust that answers will come.
What helps?
It would not be an article from me without a reference to a song! Who better than the Beatles for this one?
‘you’ll get by with a little help from your friends’
A marked sign of difference in me, an indication that I am now living in ways that are more aligned to the true me; I have let my trusted friends in. I haven’t tried to put on a brave face or rushed to hide from the world.
I have:
gone to stay with a friend who lets me talk freely, without judgement. A friend who will let me ugly snot cry and still remain my friend!
done a lot of walking and talking with friends to make sense of stuff
danced at day raves and disco’s until my legs would no longer oblige
What helps you when you’re navigating relentless change?
I’d love to hear from you
Has this been your experience of life beyond neurodivergent discovery? Does it feel like your life is endlessly unravelling?
How has it differed for you?
Five things to ponder
What are the events that have brought the biggest changes for you in the past year?
health, home, relationships, personal insight, change in belief/values, loss
2. Was the change instigated by you or did it happen to you?
was this change your choice or was it forced on you?
3. What are the bigger issues caused by the change?
what other parts of your life is this change impacting?
What are you grateful for about this change?
What do you want to acknowledge yourself for?
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Thanks for reading.
Steady as you go.
Andrea xx
