Dear You,
I see you. Exhausted to your bones, bewildered by the complexity of human relationships and those pulling the strings in the background.
Exhausted by the invisible rules, the absurdity and inefficiency in decisions made to suit egos, not best outcomes.
I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body, the flooding of cortisol, the hormone caused by high stress, constant change, unnecessary dramas and desire to please, to fit, to succeed.
The sleepless nights all of this caused, the energy it took to stay positive “no bother!” Can do! all the way!
Never to be forgotten, the energy it took to hide and mask all my stress, exhaustion and bewilderment. The anxiety and wonderment at how I found all of this so terrifyingly stressful.
What’s wrong with me?! Why can’t I keep up? Everyone else seems ok with this way of working of living, existing. There’s got to be more to life than this? Surely?
No?, ok! I am lucky to have this job, this life, busy, busy, busy -it’s the only way?! Why do I keep getting ill every few months? Why am I so run down and exhausted all of the time. I know I should eat better, exercise more, see friends, socialise more… I’m just so exhausted from trying to hold on to this knuckle white ride!
I see you, because I was you.
Desperately clinging on and wondering why I found everything so hard.
And, now I know. The stress, high alert vigilance, terror at trying to keep track of the never ending change in demands, brain constantly whirring, questioning replaying my fuck ups over and over again.
Wondering what I‘ll be hit with tomorrow, or even in the next hour. Now I know, all of that was, and is, anxiety.
Anxiety, that’s as a result of having a differently wired brain.
This, the unbearable levels of stress, anxiety and burnout I suffered on a regular basis. Along with my struggles to understand and be understood by humans who say one thing and do another, the bewildering eye exchange they give each other when I speak.
These are now what I see to be the biggest clues to my neurodivergence, my alternatively wired brain.
I am, in fact, autistic.
You may well have been nodding along in recognition at the stress, exhaustion and bewilderment, that’s your story too. But Autism?! That’s a hard NO for you!
Autism is Rainman or the Woman in the Scandia Noir who hilariously demands sex, without all the emotional nonsense! Hang on, isn’t Greta Thunberg autistic? She’s amazing – I’m definitely not like her!
I must just keep working harder to get all of this right. No one knows what they are doing! Do they?
Everyone finds bits of this hard. It’s not so bad. I’m lucky to have this job to have made it to this level, it comes with the territory, right?
Wrong! Sure, it’s an (unnecessarily?) relentlessly demanding industry and role and it’s not this exhausting and bewildering for everyone.
The stress, anxiety and overwhelm, difficulty regulating your nervous system, exhaustion and burnout; these are signs of a neurodivergent human, who is yet to discover how your alternatively wired brain connects with and experiences the world, differently.
If you struggle with constant interruptions, changes and demands, struggle to focus on information that holds zero interest for you or to keep your overactive mind focused or to know where to start, you could be neurodivergent.
If you dread, and struggle with, boring proposals or to pull together data into a report rather than telling a story or sharing visual images to introduce a new concept or idea, you could be neurodivergent.
If you struggle to stop yourself from screaming, shouting, crying when you become so overwhelmed with input, sounds, movement. Or you freeze in terror when presenting to a roomful of people, overwhelmed by all the eyes looking at you. Or are constantly looking for an escape route to all of this stress and overwhelm, youcould be neurodivergent.
All of these struggles could be very big clues that you are autistic, adhd, dyslexic or a mix of them all.
Despite what stigmatising mainstream media might tell you, if you’re neurodivergent there is nothing WRONG with you!
You just haven’t been given access to a vital piece of information about yourself. How could you? No one really talks about women being wired differently, about what it gives you and the challenges it can bring.
Trying to fit into a world not designed with your alternative wiring in mind and being made to feel deficient, wrong, less for not being able to do so with ease.
We’re all just expected to fit into this predetermined mould of communicating, taking in information, experiencing the world in the same way!
To just do things the way that an invisible majority expects of us, that’s where the true deficiency lies!
Sure, carry on. Don’t question it, don’t make a “fuss” . “Can do!” all the way! Until you can’t.
Until you’re so burned out that you can’t bounce back. Keep on keeping on! until it creates a mental or physical illness. Because, it will.
I see you and I want you to know that neurodivergence, autism, adhd, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, tourettes, these are not a trend, a fad or a label of shame.
I discovered that I’m autistic at the age of 45.
I didn’t want to be different. I’d spent my whole life trying to fit! I didn’t want to have a “thing” a “ thing” that made me different to everyone else.
And, finally I understand why some things were so easy and somethings were so unbearably hard. I know what creates overwhelm and what I need to do to take good care of myself.
I understand the best environments and outputs for me, in what comes with ease and what I need to do to navigate the difficulty.
I want you to know that the stress, anxiety, difficulty in navigating the complexity of human relationships, the things that cause you to burnout; these are all clues to your difference.
When you allow yourself to explore you as neurodivergent it will lead you to being liberated to finally be, unapologetically, your natural self!
Yes, you will have to wade through the stigma of the label, along with your own unconscious bias and internal ableism.
Yes! it can be scary to unravel your world through this new lens.
Yes! you’ll have to have some brave conversations.
And, you won’t have to be constantly bewildered, in fear of what’s around the corner, exhausted and feeling like shit all of the time!
Don’t ignore the clues anymore. I want you to know that there’s loads of information and support available.
More women are speaking out, sharing their stories of being neurodivergent for us to learn from. We can see what being a neurodivergent woman can look like and feel like.
Together we are proud of our difference and all that it gives us and the world.
I see you and I know it will get better for you, when you dare to think of yourself differently 🧡
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