Dear neurokin,

Maybe one of the biggest tell tale signs of autism is difficulty in making eye contact. It doesn’t mean we can’t make eye contact and those high maskers amongst us will know, we force ourselves to perform all kinds of socially accepted social cues, body language and gestures to show we are following the rules.

That comes at a cost, to us.

There is many a thing that I miss, in a strange way. Things that I wasn’t as conscious of before I knew that I was autistic.

It’s eye contact that I want to write about this week.

It’s one of the social expectations that we know is demanded of us and is very difficult to duck out of.

I’ve come to realise that prolonged eye contact does actually hurt my eyes and it makes me feel overwhelmed.

What can I do about it, I wonder?

Neurokin, I come with questions. Can you relate or help?

Don’t call me four eyes …

I’ve had problems with my eyes since I was aged five.

As a child I had squint eyes, my right eye turned inwards and the muscles in my left eye were stretched from over correcting. To remedy this, to go with my 1970’s NHS pale blue spectacles, I had a to wear a patch. (a sticky plaster stuck over my terrible glasses.)

The idea behind it was that this patch would simply trick your eye into turning back into the position it was intended to be in. They still use this today. Why? How can this possibly be successful?

I was already finding life pretty tricky by this point, school did not go well for me. So you can well imagine how having to wear glasses with a patch stuck on one lense made me an easy target.

Eventually it was decided that the patch wouldn’t work (no shit, Sherlock) and I must go for eye surgery. I shall spare you the details, but it’s a pretty major operation.

The eye operation does not improve your eye sight, the straightening of your eye is purely cosmetic.

My surgery was deemed a success and for a short while I got away with not having to wear glasses. I probably should’ve started wearing them earlier than I did, self consciousness prevented me from doing so.

For most of my adult life I have worn contact lenses until dry eyes scuppered that.

These days I am a fully fledged varifocal glasses wearer and I dislike it. I hate the weight of glasses on my face. I feel like it’s an added sensory challenge.

The constant need to clean them is a pain, where do all the smudges come from? I’ve concluded I must have greasy eyes! I’m not crazy about how they make me look either.

But, I’ve recently come to realise that it’s not my eye sight that makes eye contact painful.

It hurts

I love people. I love the women in my life. I love meeting up with them and chatting about life and all kinds of nonsense.

After spending a long period of time in conversation with people my eyes feel really, really strained, heavy and sore. It feels like I’ve been under bright lights or staring at a screen for too long.

I just want to close my eyes. Of course, that is rarely possible, whilst in company.

A long, long time ago, in the days before I had any inkling that I might be a bit different from most people, I once received feedback from a guy who was on some Leadership training I was delivering.

The topic we were covering was communication and we got onto eye contact. In front of the whole group he said ‘I find eye contact really intense with you, Andrea'.

Oh, how we laughed!

The thing is, he was onto something that I was decades away from realising.

Eye contact is very intense for me and those on the receiving end of my eye contact.

Ideally, I would rather not make eye contact. Looking up or outside, ideally at swaying trees or gazing into the distance, whilst I chat to the person or people I am with, is my absolute preference.

When I can do this, it helps me talk more fluently. My thoughts are clearer and more focused. I can concentrate on the words rather than be distracted by another source of data or in wondering ‘what are they thinking?’

The eyes have it

To me, eye contact is deeply personal. I think that eyes really are a window into the soul.

Eyes convey so much information, all the endless questions, thoughts and feelings that they show and mirror.

You can read so much in the eyes of others, sometimes it is just too much.

I once had coffee with a coaching colleague and his eyes told me that he was not thinking about coaching when I was talking to him. A hard stare was swiftly issued!

I did not want him to see into my soul or to know anything deep about me.

There’s plethora of ways I have of managing my facial expressions and body language, but I can’t erase what I feel through my eyes.

My eyes are a giveaway.

Is this the same for everyone?

I can’t look at you

I do try to gaze up or look into the distance when I’m in a face to face conversation.

Unsurprisingly as an autist, most of my friend interactions are one to one. After a while I start to feel self conscious that I’m not making direct eye contact, I wonder if it feels strange for the person I’m with that I cant maintain 100% eye contact.

How can you say ‘I can’t look at you’ without it causing offence?

You can’t.

Could I maybe try ‘my eyes are a bit strained, excuse me if I gaze in the distance when we chat’ Maybe, but still not quite right.

Is being really honest about my challenges with maintaining prolonged eye contact with people the final act of unmasking?

Or will it just be weird to make a thing of it?

Is this something I just have to quietly accept and learn to be more compassionate about?

Lets go for a little walk

As I write this, I am realising that maybe the reason I love going for a walk with friends is that you don’t have to maintain eye contact the whole time. I love those kind of deep chats you have whilst you’re strolling.

I know there are other benefits of walking and talking:

• great for ADHD’ers who find sitting still for long periods tricky

• cognitive flexibility - movement stimulates brain regions responsible for flexible thought patterns

• it can break down inhibitions that come from direct eye contact

• its a sensory soother to be outside without all the stimulus overwhelm of a pub or cafe.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

• Do you find maintaining eye contact tricky?

• Have you shared this with people?

• Any tips for how you manage eye contact?

Leave a comment

Thanks for reading.

Andrea xx

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Dear neurokin,

Since 2020, in direct correlation with discovering I’m autistic, my life as I knew it has been unravelling.

For the most part, this unravelling has been driven by me. With access to a whole lot of new and vital information about neurodivergence and myself, I’ve been on a quest to live in ways that are more like the ‘real’ me.

During midlife don’t we all go through that?

Life is constantly changing and never more so than in times we’re living in now. We constantly need to adapt to rapid changes outside of our own choosing or control.

This decade, the twenty twenties, is not letting up on being relentlessly volatile. I’m calling it; we’re living through the tumultuous twenties.

I believe that this decade, a time of great upheaval, is the ending of many systems and growth in human consciousness that will bring about positive change. It’s hard to hold on to that when you’re utterly fatigued from the whirlwind of change.

You can grow your own way

Expressed here brilliantly by

When you make your neurodivergent discovery and accept new information about the differences that exist for you in how your mind and body operates, the effects are profound.

• everything you knew about yourself, prior to having access to this vital information, was based on a lie.

• you’ve spent your life trying to fit a mould not designed for you, to be something you are not.

• this effected your internal dialogue, maybe you’ve been asking ‘what’s wrong with me?’ on repeat, as you berate yourself for ‘not being able to do it as everyone else does’

• It erodes your self esteem

• It may have led to co occuring health conditions

Neurokin, I am worn down by the endless changing and endings I’ve been navigating since I discovered I’m autistic.

I write to you today to ask, are you experiencing this too?

Share the scar not the wound

The ending I’m currently navigating is, for me, the biggest of them all.

In a great deal of this Substack and in my first book the autistic woman’s guide to belonging I write about my experiences of late life neurodivergent discovery.

I write from the inside out.

I’ve had to learn along the way to keep a little bit back. To protect myself I must abide by this rule; share the scar and not the wound.

I’m not ready to write about this change yet, the wound is still open.

What I am here to write about today is the horrible sense of feeling adrift, empty, directionless and devoid of fresh ideas or creativity.

In transit

I’m shocked to realise that I wrote about this exact same topic on 16th May 2025 - In Transit - the article covers why change might be even harder for neurodivergent people.

At the end of that article I suggested if the feeling of being lost in transit was affecting any neurokin readers, maybe we could work through it together, with some reflective prompts and shared comments.

I didn’t continue with that though because a sudden, tragic, family death occurred that same week.

It stopped me in my tracks.

I tried to carry on writing for a while, to live life as I had been before this incredibly sad death happened.

I had to hit the brakes in June 25’ and put a pause on this Substack for a couple of months.

I don’t want to hit the brakes again

Whilst I feel like I have somewhat run out of steam, I am not burned out or exhausted.

Creativity and ideas normally come to me in gentle whispers or nudges. Then I go and enthusiastically follow them to see where they might lead.

Right now, I am devoid of the enthusiasm or fresh ideas, a bit ‘meh’ about it all.

I’m at the part of transit described as ‘the confusing and frustrating nowhere feeling of in-betweens’.

It is hellishly uncomfortable and I am trying my best to resist compare and despair.

Being brave/stupidly honest with you, in this past week these shitty questions have wormed their way into my brain:

• Look at everyone else, thriving in their creativity and production of newness - will I ever be like them again?

• Am I disappearing?

• Will I just get lost into a black hole of nothingness?! (do I matter??….)

• I don’t even know if I want to be a writer anymore

• What do I want to do????

This change, that I’ve been navigating since last summer, will settle in the months to come. I hope I too feel a sense of rooting into some new ground.

I hope the endless endings and the unravelling finds its place to finally settle.

Over the last two or three years I have learned to trust that answers will come.

What helps?

It would not be an article from me without a reference to a song! Who better than the Beatles for this one?

A marked sign of difference in me, an indication that I am now living in ways that are more aligned to the true me; I have let my trusted friends in. I haven’t tried to put on a brave face or rushed to hide from the world.

I have:

• gone to stay with a friend who lets me talk freely, without judgement. A friend who will let me ugly snot cry and still remain my friend!

• done a lot of walking and talking with friends to make sense of stuff

• danced at day raves and disco’s until my legs would no longer oblige

  • New study reveals women over 40 are turning to raves for major mental health benefits

What helps you when you’re navigating relentless change?

I’d love to hear from you

• Has this been your experience of life beyond neurodivergent discovery? Does it feel like your life is endlessly unravelling?

• How has it differed for you?

Leave a comment

Five things to ponder

1. What are the events that have brought the biggest changes for you in the past year?

• health, home, relationships, personal insight, change in belief/values, loss

2. Was the change instigated by you or did it happen to you?

• was this change your choice or was it forced on you?

3. What are the bigger issues caused by the change?

• what other parts of your life is this change impacting?

4. What are you grateful for about this change?

5. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for?

Thanks for reading.

Steady as you go.

Andrea xx

Dear neurokin,

This is not a pity piece.

It never is. When we recognise our own neurodivergent difficulties and ask for it to be recognised or for adjustments to be made it is not pity we seek, it is understanding.

What I’ve come here to write about today holds a great deal of embarrassment and shame for me; I’m learning to accept a limitation.

I’m tussli…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

I recently took part in a local community panel discussion about making sense of neurodiversity. It was part of a series called Livewell; a safe space for people to explore complex topics about what it takes to live well.

As always, I was delighted to be invited to take part and then ridiculously (autistically?) nervous when it came to the…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

We all have different, individual, parts that make up the whole of us.

Giddiness, euphoric joy and enthusiasm for music, colour and the simple things in life are part of me.

Along with other more solemn parts.

It is a truth universally known that we autistic folk have a serious part to us. Be it our love of sharing the facts that we have g…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

‘I’m confused…’

These are words I hear most week’s, when receiving feedback about my writing from the other writers on my two year creative writing programme.

I was struck by this feedback ‘I’m confused, in this bit she’s confidently striding towards him and then she’s unsure of his feelings’

Of course, I can relate to this sentiment so much…

Read more

Thank you to everyone who tuned into our Substack Live - a first for both of us!

Here’s the recording of our conversation for you to enjoy at your leisure.

Lisa shared how her neurodivergent deep interest in family history and her strengths are colliding into clarity on her dream job:

• Love of research

• Pattern recognition

• Curiosity about places and feeling intuitively drawn to certain places in the world

• Systemic thinking

• Love of maps

• Hyperfocus

• Dopamine hits from research leading to discovery

If you want to find out more about ’s work in genealogy and research go and check out her Substack

The Ancestor Audit

I’m on a journey to verify my family tree, one ancestor at a time. I’m sharing the discoveries, the dead ends, and the methods that move me forward. If you’re rebuilding your own tree or looking for company along the way, I’d love for you to join me.

By Lisa Rex

And Ancestor Audit YouTube

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this conversation. Is it helping you to think about how your deep interests and strengths collide? What’s your dream job?

Leave a comment

Get in touch with me if you would like to be in conversation about what’s opening up for you about your dream job.

Andrea x

If you enjoy my articles and can support we are neurokin with a paid subscription it’s massively appreciated.

Support with paid subscription

Dear neurokin,

Belong…we are neurokin is all about learning and growth as we move beyond the discovery phase of our neurodivergence.

I also love to celebrate and shine a light on the great work neurokin are doing - using our neurodivergent strengths to bring fulfilment in our work.

For many of us late life neurodivergent discovery brings a sense of our …

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Dear neurokin,

Another article inspired by a song. A song I’d heard before and sung the wrong lyrics to.

When I saw the lyric sheet in the last term of choir ‘I don’t know this one’ I told my Alto 1 buddy.

I did know the song, just not that it was called Pelican by the Maccabee’s.

As I sang it throughout the term it became more and more relevant to my life.

The song, if you don’t know it, follows the arc of life. It starts with the lyrics ‘So soon we, so soon we’re too old to carry’ (not ‘so sue me’ as I’d previously been singing!)

‘One thing’s for sure, we’re all getting older… before you know it, parent a parent’

At the end of last year both of my parents were undergoing treatment for cancer.

Neurokin, I officially became part of what’s known as The Sandwich Generation. covers a lot about the distinction between generations. The bad news is that Gen X are being massively squeezed in our ‘sandwich years’ and millennials will find these things even more challenging:

• Rising costs for care

  • parenting young adults , who are often unable to afford their own housing.

  • caring for elderly relatives with long term complex health conditions for longer periods of time

  • huge rising costs for education - in the UK university tuition fees have risen by 200%

  • residential care in the UK for elderly parents has risen 48% in the last 15 years

• Our mid life is lasting longer - for 20 years between the ages of 40 - 60.

It’s not the financial cost that I’m here to write about today.

I’m here to share my observations, learnings and what I’m noticing about the shifting dynamic of my relationship with my family and their unrecognised neurodivergence.

For of course, neurodivergence is genetic.

Living in the phase beyond neurodivergent discovery means that we can see the patterns of neurodivergence far and wide. Often in our own families with relatives who do not want to be ‘labelled’ as neurodivergent for fear of how they will be perceived.

As this is an article that is much more personal in what I share, the rest of it is behind a paywall.

Read more

Dear neurokin,

In 2025 I was given a thoughtful gift voucher for a swimming technique lesson. The aim was to boost my confidence, in particular with the front crawl stroke.

Whilst experience gift vouchers are always thoughtful gifts, I find it ends up being stressful remembering to book them before they expire.

Such was the case with this swimming vouch…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

Music is a constant companion in my life.

When I wake in the morning I always have an ear worm: a song playing in the background of my mind.

It can either be a song that I associate with my waking thought or just some random music that I might not immediately be able to identify. I will soon identify it, along with key facts about it. If …

Read more

Dear neurokin,

Thank you so much for reading, liking or commenting on the articles I’ve written this year. I’m appreciative to every single one of you who subscribes to we are neurokin.

Ring out, wild bells

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
   The flying cloud, the frosty light:
   The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells and let him die…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

‘What actual day is it?!’ I hear you cry.

For, here we are in Betwixtmas. That weird time when the days all blend into one. We’ve crossed the finish line, after that mad rush to meet someone else’s deadlines, in the shortest, darkest, most jaded part of the calendar year.

It’s actually my favourite bit of all this forced joviality and over…

Read more

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Dear neurokin,

This week, we’re wrapping up this current line of enquiry into are we late discovered neurokin a generation of circuit breakers?

If you’re new to Belong; we are neurokin, welcome 👋

Here are the previous two articles in this series:

• Are We a Generation of Circuit Breakers?

• Circuit Breakers in Action - Part 1 - Annie Ridout

In this article we …

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Dear neurokin,

Following on from my last article, in which I opened up a line of enquiry: Are we late discovered neurokin a generation of circuit breakers? today we’re exploring circuit breakers in action.

I can’t remember when I first came across Annie Ridout, but I know her words made me sit up and listen.

Read more

Dear neurokin,

It was when I was being coached that it came to me. I was exploring why I wanted to continue to write in this Substack page Belong…We Are Neurokin and my next book, about what it means to live your life beyond neurodivergent discovery.

Read more

Dear neurokin,

It seems that illuminating your self-esteem, as being the foundation of loving your neurodivergence and living in rhythmic alignment with it, has struck a chord.

Thanks for sharing your comments in the last article, redeem your esteem.

Figuratively speaking, it seems self esteem has long been considered the little sister of the much more …

Read more

Dear neurokin,

My attention was caught, in January 2025, by the words of comedian Amy Gledhill.

I nodded along, as I listened t…

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Dear neurokin,

Always, without fail, when I help coaching clients to make visible the characteristics, energy and driving force of their ‘people pleasing’ self sabotage, soft and saccharine is the essence that is identified. It’s the common thread of how we perceive ‘people pleasers.’

Maybe we all see people pleasing as a weakness? Consider those who display strong people pleasing traits as weak?

• to be malleable, soft, tender

• a push over

• someone who is easy to control.

But what if we’ve got this all wrong?

What if the people pleaser is the controller of the situation and the people in it? What if your people pleaser is controlling you?

In this article we’ll explore who’s controlling who here? We’ll look at what can drive us to people please in the first place, when people pleasing tips into a trauma response and how undiscovered neurodivergence in our families shapes us.

And in the context of neurodivergence:

Recent research indicates neurodivergent adults are disproportionately likely to engage in people pleasing, masking, or camouflaging behaviours to fit social expectations or avoid rejection—especially those with ADHD and autism

How can people pleasing go beyond an anxiety response?

What takes people pleasing from:

• a fear of rejection or a need for validation

• a need to prioritise the needs, wants, or approval of others

• it being a priority over your own well-being

To it being a trauma response?

And how can ancestral trauma and undiscovered neurodivergence in our birth families create trauma in us?

Trauma or selflessness?

The societal gender bias and capitalism is inbuilt with the assumptions that females will put others needs ahead of their own. That women will prioritise ‘caregiving’, anticipate the needs of others and comply with the inferred rule that the ‘emotional labour’ is on you girls!

Dare to speak up about your own needs? You’ll feel the wrath of shaming with painful labels, cruelly dished out for non compliance.

What’s the cost to us, in doing it all and putting others ahead of ourselves at all times? Our self esteem, health and wellbeing.

People pleasing tips into trauma when it shifts from gender bias for social conformity or genuine kindness into a deeply ingrained coping mechanism—specifically known as the 'fawn' response’—used to ensure safety and avoid conflict as a survival strategy.

The shadow side of people pleasing

I was recently reminded of the shadow side of my own resentful people pleasing ways. Over the years I’ve taken on the role as the only person who packs for family travel.

I tell myself it’s easier for me to do it all.

I have a system.

With my obsession for the weather forecast app, I make sure that everyone has the right clothes for all weather, sunscreen etc etc.

I wasn’t even going on this holiday, but I still couldn’t let go of packing for others.

Of course, other people in my home are capable of packing. They will not do it how I do, they might do it better and they might forget items.

In a moment of reflection I realised that I leave no room for others to learn from any errors or for mistakes to be accepted.

I am also putting ridiculous pressure on myself to remember everything for everyone else. Which I complain about regularly:

I continue to put myself in a position where I control the outcome and spend needless energy ‘pleasing' others.

“Hello, perfectionist and controller, c’mon in to this self sabotage party!”

Who are you really doing this for?

Take a moment to ask yourself:

Are you giving your time and energy to help others who really need help? or are you taking responsibility for everything because you can’t let go of it being done another way?

1. What activities could other people in your life take on?

2. What’s the key driver for you doing things to please others? Is there an element of control or perfectionism at play?

3. What is the worst thing that will happen if someone else takes on responsibility and mistakes are made?

The dark side of people pleasing - trauma

I recently wrote about how trauma therapy has helped me to unravel another layer to understand myself more deeply. You can read about it here

It was in this personal learning that I started to understand a more complex part of people pleasing; trauma.

Trauma; your experience of emotional distress that exceeds your capacity to emotionally process it can lead us to internalise events that might have compromised our own safety. We carry these memories of trauma in our bodies.

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