Dear neurokin,

We all have different, individual, parts that make up the whole of us.

Giddiness, euphoric joy and enthusiasm for music, colour and the simple things in life are part of me.

Along with other more solemn parts.

It is a truth universally known that we autistic folk have a serious part to us. Be it our love of sharing the facts that we have gathered and stored. Or the formality with which we express our thoughts and opinions.

Justice and fairness matter greatly to us and will be conveyed as such.

Seriousness is our signature.

Those serious parts of us leave us wide open to ridicule.

Our unusual turn of phrase can often be poked at, examined and turned into a fest of tittering.

I experienced this as a very young child. I was often laughed at for how I said things. I’m finding that the more I ‘unmask’ or try being openly autistic, the more I’m experiencing ridicule again.

As well as being told that some of the expressions I use in my writing are a ‘non sequitur’ I’m also hearing that using words like sensuality and intensity in my descriptions are cringey and ‘not how people talk’.

It makes me feel like I’m back to being that child in the classroom who would be laughed at for my serious, sincere and heartfelt expression.

Maybe it’s my unusual sincerity that invites comments like ‘you’re so sweet’.

To which I darkly think, I’m fifty fucking one, there is nothing sweet about me.

Hearing ‘aw, you’re so sweet’ makes me feel like I’m being patted on the head. As my face reddens, I instantly feel ashamed.

I.Do.Not.Want.To.Be.Fucking.Sweet.

So, I stop commenting on social media posts, substack articles or piping up in group chats for fear of being deemed ‘sweet’ in my sincerity.

Or from being told any of the following:

The trouble with being earnest

• Stop lecturing me

When passionately standing up for myself, or when stating the facts to back up my opinion, I’m often ‘put back in my place’ by being told that I am lecturing, criticising or patronising the person I desperately want to understand me better.

• Stop making a fuss.

This is another thing I’m told when I’m trying to impart the facts or my desire for an alternative course of action.

• The gender bias

Being ‘serious’ as a woman, with the formality of tone that can come from being autistic, doesn’t fit with the gendered bias. The expectation is that women are light hearted, easy, friendly and malleable.

I find that when making serious points, especially within education or health institutions and systems, I am often labelled ‘trouble’ or told that I am being ‘difficult’.

I’d like to be ok with that. I’d like to think to myself fuck it, who cares?!

But the damage from years of not having access to information about what makes me different has conditioned me in the belief that there’s something ‘wrong’ with me and that maybe I am difficult.

And then along comes Mary

Be still, my beating heart. At last I have a poster girl for it being ok to be the ‘serious’ ‘earnest’ one.

Last week, I devoured the first five episodes The Other Bennet Sister, a tv adaptation of Janice Hadlow’s book, in which we meet Mary Bennet, the lesser known sister in Jane Austen’s, Pride and Prejudice.

Ella Bruccoleri beautifully performs the heavily autistic coded Mary Bennet.

Here’s the things I could relate to in Mary:

• Constantly being told that she is annoying. Especially by the narcissistic Mrs Bennet, who shoves poor Mary out of the way in an opening scene.

• She is awkwardly self conscious about wearing glasses.

• She can’t fathom the overly complex social rules.

  • It has to be pointed out to her that if she dances with the lowly Mr Sparrow more than twice she will become an outcast.

• When she struggles to find her place in society or to find a marriage match, she vows to make herself ok with being the ‘intelligent one’ (the geek)

• She loves music and dancing, which she shows overtly in her enthusiasm.

• She wrestles to understand the meaning of poetry, preferring facts instead.

  • until allows herself to feel the poetry and not think it

• Beyond her love of facts, she loves immersing herself in reading about crime.

• She hates playing games that involve physical co-ordination. Until the games are word related, then she’s in her element.

• When she is finally afforded, by her kindly aunt, some liberty to choose colours for her own dresses she goes for the bold, garish and clash’y…. my kinda gal!

Thank you Mary Bennet. For showing endearing, quirky and earnest qualities that make me feel ok about sometimes being the serious one.

Five Things For You To Ponder

1. What resonates about having a serious part to you?

2. What does your serious part give you?

3. What challenges does your serious part bring?

4. What goes unsaid about you being earnest or serious?

5. Who do you want to say that unsaid thing to? and, how do you want to say it?

Leave a comment

Andrea x

If you enjoy my articles, want to explore everything in the archive and can support we are neurokin with a paid subscription it’s massively appreciated.

Support With Paid Subsciption

Dear neurokin,

‘I’m confused…’

These are words I hear most week’s, when receiving feedback about my writing from the other writers on my two year creative writing programme.

I was struck by this feedback ‘I’m confused, in this bit she’s confidently striding towards him and then she’s unsure of his feelings’

Of course, I can relate to this sentiment so much. I think that’s how most people feel about me; confused.

My outside doesn’t match my inside.

Whilst that is true of all humans, the inconsistency and mismatch of the inner and outer landscape of neurodivergent folk can perplex your average human.

It’s no easy ride for us either! The disparity of what we show and how we feel can be isolating.

Sometimes the magnitude of overwhelm is hard to understand let alone describe.

It’s hard to resist the well travelled road of performing to appease the majority, playing by the invisible rules, instead of walking our own path in how we show up in the world.

‘This is bullshit!’

For this past month I’ve been in that uncomfortable part of my learning where I feel totally lost about my purpose, direction and competence.

The unlearning or experimenting, vital in all learning and growth, is exposing all my old wounds.

My instinct is to bolt, to do a runner, dramatically throw in the towel. The surly teenage inner critic is having a field day with me. She’s got her arms crossed, distractedly looking at her nails and muttering ‘this is bullshit!’

I’m not going to bolt. I’m sticking with it.

And I’m curious. How can I show up as myself in my writing and not lose my natural way of communicating in order to follow the 'rules’?

Is it possible for me to write a character who is not neurodivergent? I don’t know if it is, because this author is not neuronormative.

‘There’s a lot going on here’

My initial reaction to this feedback was to flinch at the mistake’s I make in my sensory descriptions in scene’s. The old stories of ‘I’m too much’ ‘I’ve got it wrong’ are poked and prodded awake.

Because of course the way that neurokin experience the world can feel like a collision of sensory information.

It’s challenging to simplify it.

Here’s some of the sensory processing challenges that show up in my writing. In one scene I wrote about how the protagonist’s feeling sounded:

‘her pit of dread growls’

For the person reviewing this piece of my work it was confusing for them, they described this phrase as a ‘non sequitor’ It does not follow logic.

The collision of senses is what can be known as synesthesia, where one sense triggers another. Tasting colours or hearing sounds as shapes. For me words have tastes and feelings have sounds and colours.

Whilst I am definitely learning to simplify my scene descriptions, to give my words space to breathe, I won’t ever be able to switch off my synesthesia.

neurokin: How do your senses collide?

Experimental and Unusual narrators

Over the last ten weeks, on my creative writing programme, I’ve been learning about different ways to tell a story, different types of narrators and points of view. I’ve reluctantly experimented with all of this and been too hard on myself when these experiments didn’t work.

When our learning focused on experimental and unusual narrators I had an epiphany, one it seems I will have to keep on learning, to really embrace what it is that makes me different.

I loved all of the examples of experimental and unusual narrators shared with us, especially The Night Alphabet by poet and author Joelle Taylor.

I loved the writing for these qualities: imaginative, abstract, vivid, metaphorical, collision of senses, playfulness in depth.

This week I tried a bit of experimentation in my own writing. I brought a bit of playfulness to depth and it really resonated with those who read it:

‘This is your strongest piece yet. It’s more tongue in cheek, lighter, funny and it really works’ ‘the imagery is vivid and evocative’

Hurray for being experimental!

neurokin: What do you want to embrace about being experimental or unusual?

Unlearning Autism

Of course, it’s always easier to give advice to others than to know this stuff for yourself.

This is a quote from a conversation I had with my friend and penpal Christine Doyle on her brilliant podcast Unlearning Autism

It was in response to being asked what I would like to leave listeners with.

Neurokin, I’d like to leave you with this thought about yourself today; embracing what it is that makes you different is where the liberation comes.

Andrea x

Thank you to everyone who tuned into our Substack Live - a first for both of us!

Here’s the recording of our conversation for you to enjoy at your leisure.

Lisa shared how her neurodivergent deep interest in family history and her strengths are colliding into clarity on her dream job:

• Love of research

• Pattern recognition

• Curiosity about places and feeling intuitively drawn to certain places in the world

• Systemic thinking

• Love of maps

• Hyperfocus

• Dopamine hits from research leading to discovery

If you want to find out more about ’s work in genealogy and research go and check out her Substack

The Ancestor Audit

I’m on a journey to verify my family tree, one ancestor at a time. I’m sharing the discoveries, the dead ends, and the methods that move me forward. If you’re rebuilding your own tree or looking for company along the way, I’d love for you to join me.

By Lisa Rex

And Ancestor Audit YouTube

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this conversation. Is it helping you to think about how your deep interests and strengths collide? What’s your dream job?

Leave a comment

Get in touch with me if you would like to be in conversation about what’s opening up for you about your dream job.

Andrea x

If you enjoy my articles and can support we are neurokin with a paid subscription it’s massively appreciated.

Support with paid subscription

Dear neurokin,

Belong…we are neurokin is all about learning and growth as we move beyond the discovery phase of our neurodivergence.

I also love to celebrate and shine a light on the great work neurokin are doing - using our neurodivergent strengths to bring fulfilment in our work.

For many of us late life neurodivergent discovery brings a sense of our …

Read more

Dear neurokin,

Another article inspired by a song. A song I’d heard before and sung the wrong lyrics to.

When I saw the lyric sheet in the last term of choir ‘I don’t know this one’ I told my Alto 1 buddy.

I did know the song, just not that it was called Pelican by the Maccabee’s.

As I sang it throughout the term it became more and more relevant to my life.

The song, if you don’t know it, follows the arc of life. It starts with the lyrics ‘So soon we, so soon we’re too old to carry’ (not ‘so sue me’ as I’d previously been singing!)

‘One thing’s for sure, we’re all getting older… before you know it, parent a parent’

At the end of last year both of my parents were undergoing treatment for cancer.

Neurokin, I officially became part of what’s known as The Sandwich Generation. covers a lot about the distinction between generations. The bad news is that Gen X are being massively squeezed in our ‘sandwich years’ and millennials will find these things even more challenging:

• Rising costs for care

  • parenting young adults , who are often unable to afford their own housing.

  • caring for elderly relatives with long term complex health conditions for longer periods of time

  • huge rising costs for education - in the UK university tuition fees have risen by 200%

  • residential care in the UK for elderly parents has risen 48% in the last 15 years

• Our mid life is lasting longer - for 20 years between the ages of 40 - 60.

It’s not the financial cost that I’m here to write about today.

I’m here to share my observations, learnings and what I’m noticing about the shifting dynamic of my relationship with my family and their unrecognised neurodivergence.

For of course, neurodivergence is genetic.

Living in the phase beyond neurodivergent discovery means that we can see the patterns of neurodivergence far and wide. Often in our own families with relatives who do not want to be ‘labelled’ as neurodivergent for fear of how they will be perceived.

As this is an article that is much more personal in what I share, the rest of it is behind a paywall.

Read more

Dear neurokin,

In 2025 I was given a thoughtful gift voucher for a swimming technique lesson. The aim was to boost my confidence, in particular with the front crawl stroke.

Whilst experience gift vouchers are always thoughtful gifts, I find it ends up being stressful remembering to book them before they expire.

Such was the case with this swimming vouch…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

Music is a constant companion in my life.

When I wake in the morning I always have an ear worm: a song playing in the background of my mind.

It can either be a song that I associate with my waking thought or just some random music that I might not immediately be able to identify. I will soon identify it, along with key facts about it. If …

Read more

Dear neurokin,

Thank you so much for reading, liking or commenting on the articles I’ve written this year. I’m appreciative to every single one of you who subscribes to we are neurokin.

Ring out, wild bells

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
   The flying cloud, the frosty light:
   The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells and let him die…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

‘What actual day is it?!’ I hear you cry.

For, here we are in Betwixtmas. That weird time when the days all blend into one. We’ve crossed the finish line, after that mad rush to meet someone else’s deadlines, in the shortest, darkest, most jaded part of the calendar year.

It’s actually my favourite bit of all this forced joviality and over…

Read more

Read more

Dear neurokin,

This week, we’re wrapping up this current line of enquiry into are we late discovered neurokin a generation of circuit breakers?

If you’re new to Belong; we are neurokin, welcome 👋

Here are the previous two articles in this series:

• Are We a Generation of Circuit Breakers?

• Circuit Breakers in Action - Part 1 - Annie Ridout

In this article we …

Read more

Dear neurokin,

Following on from my last article, in which I opened up a line of enquiry: Are we late discovered neurokin a generation of circuit breakers? today we’re exploring circuit breakers in action.

I can’t remember when I first came across Annie Ridout, but I know her words made me sit up and listen.

Read more

Dear neurokin,

It was when I was being coached that it came to me. I was exploring why I wanted to continue to write in this Substack page Belong…We Are Neurokin and my next book, about what it means to live your life beyond neurodivergent discovery.

Read more

Dear neurokin,

It seems that illuminating your self-esteem, as being the foundation of loving your neurodivergence and living in rhythmic alignment with it, has struck a chord.

Thanks for sharing your comments in the last article, redeem your esteem.

Figuratively speaking, it seems self esteem has long been considered the little sister of the much more …

Read more

Dear neurokin,

My attention was caught, in January 2025, by the words of comedian Amy Gledhill.

I nodded along, as I listened t…

Read more

Dear neurokin,

Always, without fail, when I help coaching clients to make visible the characteristics, energy and driving force of their ‘people pleasing’ self sabotage, soft and saccharine is the essence that is identified. It’s the common thread of how we perceive ‘people pleasers.’

Maybe we all see people pleasing as a weakness? Consider those who display strong people pleasing traits as weak?

• to be malleable, soft, tender

• a push over

• someone who is easy to control.

But what if we’ve got this all wrong?

What if the people pleaser is the controller of the situation and the people in it? What if your people pleaser is controlling you?

In this article we’ll explore who’s controlling who here? We’ll look at what can drive us to people please in the first place, when people pleasing tips into a trauma response and how undiscovered neurodivergence in our families shapes us.

And in the context of neurodivergence:

Recent research indicates neurodivergent adults are disproportionately likely to engage in people pleasing, masking, or camouflaging behaviours to fit social expectations or avoid rejection—especially those with ADHD and autism

How can people pleasing go beyond an anxiety response?

What takes people pleasing from:

• a fear of rejection or a need for validation

• a need to prioritise the needs, wants, or approval of others

• it being a priority over your own well-being

To it being a trauma response?

And how can ancestral trauma and undiscovered neurodivergence in our birth families create trauma in us?

Trauma or selflessness?

The societal gender bias and capitalism is inbuilt with the assumptions that females will put others needs ahead of their own. That women will prioritise ‘caregiving’, anticipate the needs of others and comply with the inferred rule that the ‘emotional labour’ is on you girls!

Dare to speak up about your own needs? You’ll feel the wrath of shaming with painful labels, cruelly dished out for non compliance.

What’s the cost to us, in doing it all and putting others ahead of ourselves at all times? Our self esteem, health and wellbeing.

People pleasing tips into trauma when it shifts from gender bias for social conformity or genuine kindness into a deeply ingrained coping mechanism—specifically known as the 'fawn' response’—used to ensure safety and avoid conflict as a survival strategy.

The shadow side of people pleasing

I was recently reminded of the shadow side of my own resentful people pleasing ways. Over the years I’ve taken on the role as the only person who packs for family travel.

I tell myself it’s easier for me to do it all.

I have a system.

With my obsession for the weather forecast app, I make sure that everyone has the right clothes for all weather, sunscreen etc etc.

I wasn’t even going on this holiday, but I still couldn’t let go of packing for others.

Of course, other people in my home are capable of packing. They will not do it how I do, they might do it better and they might forget items.

In a moment of reflection I realised that I leave no room for others to learn from any errors or for mistakes to be accepted.

I am also putting ridiculous pressure on myself to remember everything for everyone else. Which I complain about regularly:

I continue to put myself in a position where I control the outcome and spend needless energy ‘pleasing' others.

“Hello, perfectionist and controller, c’mon in to this self sabotage party!”

Who are you really doing this for?

Take a moment to ask yourself:

Are you giving your time and energy to help others who really need help? or are you taking responsibility for everything because you can’t let go of it being done another way?

1. What activities could other people in your life take on?

2. What’s the key driver for you doing things to please others? Is there an element of control or perfectionism at play?

3. What is the worst thing that will happen if someone else takes on responsibility and mistakes are made?

The dark side of people pleasing - trauma

I recently wrote about how trauma therapy has helped me to unravel another layer to understand myself more deeply. You can read about it here

It was in this personal learning that I started to understand a more complex part of people pleasing; trauma.

Trauma; your experience of emotional distress that exceeds your capacity to emotionally process it can lead us to internalise events that might have compromised our own safety. We carry these memories of trauma in our bodies.

Read more

Dear neurokin,

When I was in the very early days of exploring what autism meant for me, I remember saying to someone “it feels like everything is unravelling”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry, that sounds awful”

I remember being taken aback by their reply, because yes, I was really battling with some big emotions, but unravelling felt like a good thing.

It felt lik…

Read more

Read more

Have you ever really wanted something to happen? Had a specific change you’ve been longing for in your life?

And then when the change does happen find that you cannot settle into it?

Are you finding it impossible to work out how you feel? And at a loss to know which way to turn to find a way to make your thoughts or feelings less uncomfortab…

Read more